


Lachrymose

by Elivra



Series: Again and again [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Bedwetting, Depression, Eruris are sad and soft as always, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27340123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elivra/pseuds/Elivra
Summary: Levi returns from a work trip to a messy home and a messier husband.Rated for tiny swear, mentions of depression
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Series: Again and again [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996405
Comments: 16
Kudos: 160





	Lachrymose

**Author's Note:**

> This was a sudden brainwave for me (as usual). Depression is a terribly difficult thing to deal with, and writing this was honestly cathartic for me. Parts of this fic were inspired by moving posts made by depressed people online, some parts also reflect my own experiences, so this is a deeply personal fic for me. If any of this resonates with you, dear Reader, I hope you know you are cherished and important, and seen, even if it feels like you're not. We're in this together. <3
> 
> I have posted this in a series with my other Reincarnation AU fic, but you don't have to read that one to read this.
> 
> Happy(ish) reading <3

Levi opened the front door in his usual quiet manner, and breathed out a sigh. He was  _ finally _ home, but when he turned on the lights and turned around, his husband's name died in his throat.

The house was a disaster.

The throw blanket on the couch was spread in a twisted mess, an empty bag of chips crowning the entire pile. Empty takeout containers littered the coffee table, and Levi could see more ranged on the kitchen counter beyond the living room. That probably meant the trash bin was full. Two pairs of Erwin’s socks were lying discarded on the shoe rack. The floor had clearly not been swept in a while, and the mantelpiece was dusty.

Irritation lanced up his spine. He’d only been gone ten days. “Erwin?” He called out, but was only met with silence. Leaving his small suitcase in the entryway, Levi strode into their modest apartment. Erwin was in the spare bedroom. He was lying in bed, fast asleep, wearing old ratty sweats. The bed was unmade and the room smelled musty. Levi frowned, and, without waking him up, walked into their bedroom. The bed was unmade there too, the blinds drawn, a pile of unwashed clothes lying next to the laundry basket. There was a smell here too, musty like the other room, but with a familiar pungent undercurrent. Levi frowned, stepped towards the pile of clothes; the smell turned stronger.

“Jesus fuck, Erwin,” Levi muttered under his breath. He’d had a tiring flight back home, and all he wanted was to relax on his warm lumpy couch with maybe a glass of wine and a simple dinner. He knew he’d always want to clean when he came back from travelling, but he hadn’t expected a mess on this scale either.

But there was no living in this mess. It  _ had _ to be cleared. With a weary sigh, he brought his suitcase back into the bedroom. Then he changed into more comfy clothes and began with the laundry. There was too much for a single load, so Levi gathered the smelliest clothes first to dump into the washer, making sure to add the extra perfumy detergent. He went into the bathroom to freshen up, and found it surprisingly clean. Or perhaps it was unsurprising. Levi’s frown deepened as he washed his face, concern replacing irritation.

He’d noticed the blanket haphazardly spread out to dry in the small laundry room.

He decided to unpack first, but when he opened the doors of their shared closet, he froze. Erwin’s shirts were all missing from their shelf, and lay instead in an open suitcase. Levi stared at it for a solid minute, heart pounding, anger and confusion blazing through him.

_ What — no. _ He couldn’t. He couldn’t, wouldn’t deal with this right now, would not  _ dare _ speculate. Unpacking could wait, he decided, and resolutely closed the doors and marched away, tying his cleaning bandanna across his head instead.

He plugged in his bluetooth headphones, switched to an ambient lo-fi playlist that was his guilty pleasure, and got to work.

And it really was  _ work _ , even though Levi genuinely enjoyed cleaning and was always particular about putting things away. They had each carried over plenty of habits from their previous lives. Some of them were innocent, like Levi's love of tea and Erwin's interest in history. But some of them were rather… troublesome, to say the least. Like Levi's rigid stance on cleanliness, bordering on OCD in times of stress.

And Erwin's depression.

He knew now, with his knowledge of modern things in the modern world, that Erwin had been depressed in that past life, especially after he had lost his arm in those desperate, final days. Levi remembered vividly the conversation they’d had on the very first day they had met in this life: they had run into each other in an airport, ended up missing both their flights, and had spent six hours talking in an airport café. They’d talked about many things, where they’d grown up, what their hobbies in this life were… But then they’d also talked about other things, about the lingering grief and sense of responsibility from that previous life, and the fact that in this life, too, Erwin had been diagnosed with depression.

“Levi?”

Levi was in the middle of doing what looked like last week’s dishes when he heard Erwin speak. He whipped around, pushing his headphones off, and they stared at each other for a long moment. Erwin looked stunned, like he couldn’t quite believe Levi was standing there in their kitchen.

“You… you said you’d be gone two weeks,” Erwin said slowly.

“I finished early,” Levi said, then bit his lip, floundering for words.

“I,” Erwin’s brows twisted in remorse, his eyes fixed on Levi’s sudsy hands. “I’m sorry, I was going to start cleaning tomorrow—”

“Have you brushed your teeth today?” Levi cut in. The last thing he wanted now was an apology.

Erwin blinked rapidly, as if trying to remember. “I… no,” he admitted.

“Go brush your teeth, then,” Levi nodded at the doorway behind him. “I’ve ordered takeout, should be here soon. Indian.”

Erwin hesitated, gestured at the counter. “I can help—”

“Just go clean up, Erwin,” Levi muttered and turned back to the sink. “And shave that fuzz off your face while you’re at it.”

There was a small pause. “Okay,” Erwin murmured, and Levi heard his footsteps padding away.

Erwin was gone a while. Levi finished up the dishes, then set up the roomba to work in the living room. He then went into the spare room and cracked open the windows to let some fresh air in, despite the cold night. Then he looked at the bed and he frowned again. The waterproof mattress protector from their bedroom was draped on the used side of the bed, folded roughly in half.

He was in the process of hanging it up to dry after washing it, when Erwin turned up again.

“Levi,” he whispered morosely, “I would’ve done that—”

Their doorbell rang at that moment and Levi felt a wave of relief. “That’ll be the food. Go get it, will you.”

Erwin looked conflicted for a moment, then slouched away. Levi let out another relieved sigh.

Erwin had kept this side of him hidden from Levi for a while. At first, Levi didn’t get why Erwin was so reluctant to move in with him, how he always seemed on edge when they spent the night together. And the explanation was forced from him one night, when Levi woke up with a jolt to a wet patch spreading on the bed, a familiar sharp smell pervading the air. He had recoiled from the bed in disgust and horror, stunned that Erwin still seemed to be fast asleep.

After being shaken awake, Erwin had explained in a low, weary tone: he had a bedwetting problem. As a child it had lasted for years, almost disappearing and then coming back when he was twelve years old, when his father died. The habit had tapered away again as Erwin grew into adulthood, as he grew more wary and careful about his nightly habits. But there were still ‘accidents’ every now and then, when the nights grew too cold, or when he had nightmares of his past life. 

Or when he was caught in the throes of his depression.

They ate their dinner in silence. Levi had ordered Erwin’s favourite — butter chicken masala — but Erwin ate listlessly, like he couldn’t taste any of the food. Levi kept shooting covert glances at him, but otherwise said nothing. Instead they pretended to focus on the gameshow on the TV, the prerecorded laughs and cheers of the audience falling flat in the tense stillness of the living room.

When they finished eating, Levi cleared up without a word. He could feel Erwin’s gaze on his back as he washed up their cutlery.

“How… how was your trip?” Erwin asked, sounding almost meek.

Levi turned around, wiping his hands on the kitchen towel. “Good.” He watched Erwin for a minute, then blurted, “How bad is it?”

Erwin had two therapists — officially a Dr Williams, an astute and empathetic young man — and unofficially Nanaba. This decision was not made lightly, and Nanaba herself took a long time to think about and accept this arrangement, simply because Erwin couldn't talk about his past lives with Dr Williams at risk of being locked away in an institution. The sessions with Nanaba were secret and infrequent also because Nanaba risked losing her licence and credibility at accepting a close friend as her patient, and Erwin was practically family anyway.

Erwin didn’t respond to his question, so in the silence, Levi asked, "Should I call Nanaba?"

Erwin hesitated, looked at his feet. "I… no."

"Just Dr Williams then." Levi brought out his phone from his pocket to set the appointment, when Erwin murmured, "I'm sorry."

"You always wait too long to call him," Levi said simply.

"Levi." Something in Erwin's voice made Levi pause and look up at him. A chill ran down his spine. He looked like he did in those final days in the other life, determined and desperately sad at the same time, convinced that their mission to retake Wall Maria would be his last one.

And he had been right.

"I. I've started packing my bags, but… it's going slow, and I—'

"You going somewhere?" Levi rasped, every inch of him frozen save for his heart, which was thudding almost painfully.

"I." Erwin still looked at his feet. "I'm sorry I have to be a burden on you a little longer, but I'll—"

"Erwin." Levi took a small step forward. "Are you leaving me?"

Silence. Levi's heart felt like it was shattering. "Look at me," he insisted harshly.

Erwin simply shook his head.

"Erwin  _ look  _ at me."  _ Coward,  _ he almost said.

"I can't," he whispered.

"Can't what."

Erwin mumbled something so soft Levi couldn't hear it. "What."

"I can't keep doing this to you. I can't — cant keep holding you back, making you do so much—"

"No one's making me do anything," Levi said, his rage fizzling out, leaving a dull ache behind.

"Levi, I can't." Erwin looked up at him,  _ finally _ , his thick eyebrows twisted in so much grief, his blue eyes sparkling with tears. "I can't keep doing this to you."

"Doing  _ what  _ to me?" Levi said, his whisper like thunder.

"I'm a grown fucking thirty-five year old man who wets the bed." Erwin hissed, words pouring like venom from his mouth. "And I leave it to you to clean up after me. After everything, anything else, all the fuck ups it’s always you, and everything I do is a clusterfuck anyway and it's always on  _ you  _ to pick up after me, and it's not fair, it's not—"

"Enough." Levi said, pointed at the couch. "Sit."

"Levi—"

"Sit. Down."

Erwin sat, timid, as if it wasn't his own couch in his own damn home. Levi strode forward and, without hesitation, sat right on Erwin's lap, bracing his knees on either side of him. Erwin's hands went automatically to his thighs, whether to hold him in place or to push him away Levi couldn't tell. Erwin looked like he didn't know either.

"Levi," Erwin began, sounding so  _ broken _ , but Levi simply took his face in his hands and gently tilted him up to look at him.

"Levi, I—"

"I love you," Levi said seriously.

Erwin's mouth popped open. Levi knew why. He had said these three words exactly four times before: on the day they moved in together, on their wedding night, on one particular Christmas, and on one of their frequent holidays when they'd seen the Northern Lights together for the first time. It wasn’t as if Levi didn't mean them, because Levi knew that Erwin knew, and he didn't often feel the need to say them when his actions spoke louder for him. But sometimes, Levi mused in this moment, perhaps sometimes Erwin needed to be reminded of them.

"I." Erwin gulped audibly. "I love you too," he whispered, still sounding utterly dejected.

"I know." Levi nodded once curtly. "And that's all that matters."

Erwin let out a ragged sigh and leaned forward, buried his face into Levi's neck. Levi moved his arms, one bracing firmly around Erwin's broad shoulders, the other carding through Erwin's lank golden hair.

"You're not a burden," Levi murmured, sure and calm, despite the deep, throbbing ache in his heart. "Never were."

Erwin's hot sigh fanned over Levi's neck, and he could feel a wet drop or two land on his skin. "Are you sure?"

Levi let out a harsh breath, held him tighter. "Yes. Always."

Erwin took another hitching breath. Levi could feel more tears trickle down his collarbones. "I'm sorry," Erwin whispered.

"Don't be."

"I know you're tired."

"I am," Levi agreed, leaning his cheek onto Erwin's golden head. "But so are you."

Erwin muffled a broken sob. "I am. I'm so tired, Levi."

Levi's heart twisted. "I know."

"So very tired…"

"I know, baby."

Erwin made a sound like a strangled chuckle. "You never call me that."

Levi pressed his lips onto his hair. "Only when I need to."

Sometimes, it felt like Levi was doing more than Erwin did. But then, as Erwin scrubbed Levi's back in the shower, as he folded the blankets back exactly as Levi had taught him, added an extra pillow for Levi's sore neck, and curled an arm and a leg around Levi the way he liked it, all without being asked, Levi knew that it didn't matter, and that Erwin did more than enough.

He kissed him, soft and lingering. "I love you," Levi murmured again, and Erwin simply held him tighter. And that's all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope no part of this fic felt flippant or misrepresented, if so, please do let me know.
> 
> Special thanks and lots of love to [Zorthania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zorthania) for allowing me to test-run this fic on her.
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


End file.
